Keronians Against Humanity
by TheAngryTaco
Summary: The Garuru Platoon plays a little game and goes a little insane. Rated M for drunken madness and butt oranges.


Keronians Against Humanity  
by TheAngryTaco

A/N: How to even explain this...

Basically, a combination of being up late, being really bored, and being a huge fan of the game Cards Against Humanity went into this one-shot's inception.

For those who didn't notice the M warning, Cards Against Humanity is a real game. The point of the game is to be as unbelievably offensive and funny as possible. The game that I wrote in this story is about as tame as it gets in CAH, but I do know that the things that come up can be and probably are offensive to some people. If you are easily offended, please don't waste your time or mine by reading this. This is meant to be silly and fun, nothing more or less.

That said, I really hope you enjoy this silly little thing. Cheers.

Mandatory disclaimer: I do not own Keroro Gunso or Cards Against Humanity.

* * *

Taruru looked through his movie collection, an annoyed expression on his face. It was finally his turn to choose a film for the platoon's weekly movie night, but he couldn't find anything that he wanted to watch. He pulled a couple off the shelf and examined the boxes, then tossed them into the growing pile on the side. He let out a frustrated grunt and slumped over. "Why is it so hard to find a stupid movie?" he grumbled.

He looked around his room in hopes that one of his possessions would hold a solution. Unfortunately, the dresser, the bean bag chair, and Mr. Rumples all withheld their wisdom. Then his gaze fell upon his computer. A grin crossed his face. "When in doubt, use technology!" he declared, happily skipping over to his desk.

The computer said hello to him as it booted up. Taruru gave it a friendly bow before beginning his search. "What to do when you can't pick a movie for movie night," he said as he typed. Over twenty million results appeared, ranging from suggesting the latest movie to come to theaters to "just read a book, stupid". Taruru considered a reading night for a moment, but dismissed it right away. "I don't even think we have any fun books on board," he commented thoughtfully before continuing on. "Wait, that's the solution! We can do something other than a movie night! Oh! We can have a game night!"

He looked back at his shelf. The only board game he had on hand was Candyland. He walked over and picked up the box. "Two to four players," he read. "Darn it."

Taruru tried to remember what other games they had. Tororo had a chess set, but only two players were allowed in chess. They also had a random assortment of video games, but nothing that would accommodate five players. Determined, he went back to the computer and typed in "Fun game night ideas for five or more players." Nothing that came up on the results page looked promising. They were all for board games that would take days if not weeks to deliver.

He sighed, about to give up. Then he one result caught his eye:

"Cards Against Humanity! Most popular Pekoponian game in this or any other year!"

Curious, he clicked on the link. When the page loaded, he saw lots of reviews popping up that declared the game to be funny, amazing, and perfect for parties. What he saw next was even better. "There's a free downloadable version?" he gasped. "Thank frog!"

Soon after, Taruru was sitting on the floor with his new game, happily cutting out and organizing the stacks of cards as he thought about the fun night to come.

A few hours went by. Garuru looked impatiently at the clock as he sat in the living room, waiting for Taruru. "Where is the Private?" he asked. "He was informed that it was his turn, correct?"

Pururu nodded, absently polishing her needle. "Yes, he knows," she answered. "He got so excited that it was his turn that he nearly ran into the door, remember?"

Tororo snickered from his laptop. "If he doesn't show up, can I pick?"

"No. You chose last week, Recruit," Garuru replied. "Zoruru will make the choice if Taruru fails to do so."

The assassin glared down from the ceiling. "I don't even care," he growled. "I'm only here under orders."

A death stare from the lieutenant silenced him. "We'll give the Private another few minutes," Garuru decided.

"Sorry I'm late!" gasped the blue frog, running in as fast as he could.

Tororo sniffed impatiently. "Took you long enough, pu pu pu," he said. Then he noticed that Taruru had a little cardboard box in his hands. "That doesn't look like a movie."

"That's because it's not!" Taruru declared cheerfully, plopping it down in front of his platoon mates. "It's a card game."

All four of the others fixed him with expressions of confusion. "A game?" Garuru repeated. "Why did you choose a game and not a movie?"

Taruru rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. "To be honest, I couldn't find one I wanted to watch," he admitted. "But all the reviews I read said this game is great, and we can all play it." His expression turned pleading. "Please?"

Garuru sighed. "I suppose there's no harm in it," he said. "The point of these movie nights is to have fun together as a platoon. A game night could easily serve the same purpose."

Taruru cheered as Tororo and Zoruru rolled their eyes. The blue Keronian plopped down on the floor and began to deal out the cards as the rest of the platoon gathered around. "So, how do you play?" Pururu asked.

"Each round, one of us is the judge and plays one of these black cards, which will have a question on it" Taruru replied, pointing at the deck. "Then everyone else answers from their hand of white cards, and whoever played the white card that the judge liked gets a point. Then someone else gets to be the judge, and whoever gets seven points first wins. Oh! And you always need to have ten white cards, so make sure you draw new ones."

"Did you even read these?"

Taruru looked at Zoruru in confusion. "No, not really," he answered. "Why?"

The assassin fixed Taruru with a death glare as Tororo and Pururu began reading their own cards. "I'm not playing," he snapped, throwing his hand down and standing up.

Garuru whipped his head sharply to the side. "We're all playing this together, Corporal."

The cyborg's angry expression didn't change. "You haven't read your cards yet, have you, Sir?"

The purple frog glanced down at his cards, then shrugged. "So what?"

"So what?" Zoruru spat.

Tororo started snickering loudly at his cards while Pururu let out a tiny squeak, her face flushing red. "Sir, I think Zoruru may be right...and this game isn't really appropri..."

Taruru looked down, feeling hurt and embarrassed. Garuru turned toward her, his harsh tone ebbing slightly. "We have not let each other's taste in cinema interfere with these nights," he said calmly. "And we're not going to start doing it with games. It was Taruru's turn to choose, and he chose this game. We're playing it, and that's that."

Pururu sighed, but nodded her agreement. "Can we at least get some drinks before we start?" she asked. "I think I'm gonna need a few."

Taruru brightened. "That's a good idea, Chief Medic!" he told her. "I don't know why I didn't think of it."

She grinned unconvincingly as Taruru ran out to get the alcohol. "This is going to be painful," she said as soon as he was gone.

Zoruru nodded in agreement. Garuru sighed, but chose to let it go. "I don't see why you're complaining, pu pu," the tadpole commented. "This looks like it'll be a lot more fun than whatever kiddie movie he would have picked instead."

Any reply that they had to that was cut off by Taruru returning with a healthy stock of booze. "This should keep us going for a while," he said, handing a bottle to everyone except Tororo. "Sorry, buddy," he apologized.

Tororo shrugged, uncaring. "I'm not interested in that stuff anyway," he replied.

"If you say so," the blue frog replied, returning to his seat and picking up his hand.

"Would you like to start us off, Private?" Garuru asked him.

Taruru nodded happily, plopping down a black card in the center of their circle. "What made you happy today?" he read.

The other four studied their hands. Tororo continued to laugh under his breath as he played his card. The other three kept their expressions as blank as they could, though Pururu's cheeks were still flushed. Taruru picked up their cards with flourish and began to read out loud.

"What made you happy today? Quiche, a really cool hat...kamikaze pilots, and...flesh-eating bacteria?"

Taruru looked up, studying each of his platoon mates. They all looked back at him expectantly. He let out a nervous chuckle, then locked his gaze back on the cards. "Um..." he swallowed. "A really cool hat."

"Yes!" Tororo cheered. "I get a point!"

"Way to go," Taruru replied with a weak smile. "Next?"

Pururu, who was sitting next to him, jumped as four gazes turned toward her. Reluctantly, she played another black card. "Blank is my worst habit," she said nervously.

A flurry of cards landed in front of her. "Good grammar, not wearing pants, a juice box, and getting drunk on mouthwash," she read off. "Getting drunk on mouthwash? That's not possible! That doesn't even make sense!"

"I don't think making sense is the point of this game, pu pu pu," Tororo pointed out with a smirk. "So which is it?"

The medic's pupils dilated as she looked at her choices again. With a frustrated grunt, she tapped on the mouthwash card, then took an enormous gulp from her bottle. "Another one for me!" Tororo cheered. "Thanks for picking this game, pu pu! It's awesome!"

Garuru rolled his eyes, but picked up the next card. He seemed to suppress a smile before he put it down. "War! What is it good for?" he asked, looking expectantly at his platoon before leaning back against the couch.

Being on fire, a spontaneous conga line, science, and being a dinosaur landed in front of him. His lips twitched in amusement, but he managed to maintain a straight face as he took a sip of his drink as he studied his choices. "Personally, I think these all indicate that you didn't learn enough in boot camp," he stated calmly. "But for the purposes of this game only, I choose science."

Pururu blinked. "That was mine," she said in surprise.

"Well done, Pururu! You get a point!"

Zoruru flipped over the next card before they had a chance to glance his way. "Blank makes me uncomfortable," he muttered.

The others took a bit longer than before to choose their cards. Pururu and Taruru had drained half of their bottles before they finally made a decision. Zoruru carefully picked the cards up, imagining ripping them to shreds to stay calm.

A moment later, he glared at them. "Rainbows and magic, winking at old people, giving 110%, and...butt oranges?" he sputtered. "_Butt oranges?_"

"Now you know how I felt about the mouthwash," Pururu remarked drily.

Several more rounds began to pass as the platoon began to steadily grow more drunk and less ashamed. Pururu and Taruru's faces gained a permanent red hue while Garuru began to talk louder and even laugh at some of the more absurd cards that were played. Zoruru just shook his head, having only taken a few sips. Tororo was just happy to have new blackmail material, though he was unhappy that Pururu and Garuru had quickly surpassed him in points after the booze had taken effect.

It was Pururu's turn again. She picked up a black card, then began giggling when she read it. "In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on blank," she said, burying her face in her arms as her laughter grew louder.

Four soft plops reached her ears, and she made herself calm down enough to reach out for the new cards. "Panda sex, battlefield amputations, living in a trash can, and throwing a virgin into a volcano?" she read before the giggles returned with full force.

She pointed at the panda sex card, unable to voice her selection. Garuru grinned in triumph. "It seems this isn't -hic- so much your game after all, Recruit," he commented, taking another large swig.

"Pu pu, you guys are cheating," Tororo complained, crossing his arms unhappily. "This was actually fun until then."

"Cheat, shmeat," Taruru said, smirking. "You're just grumpy."

"You only have four points!" Tororo snapped. "Even Zoruru's ahead of you! Why are you so happy?"

"This is fun!" Taruru replied. "I wish I had found this game long ago!"

Tororo rolled his eyes as Garuru played his next black card. "During sex, I like to think about blank." He let out a guffaw. "This will be entertaining."

Taruru and Pururu practically threw their cards at Garuru before dissolving into more fits of laughter. Tororo and Zoruru exchanged a glance before handing over their own. "A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles, a pyramid of severed heads, figgy pudding, and a giant purple..."

He started laughing as hard as the other two as he read the last card. "Whoever played that last one wins," he managed to get out.

Pururu pumped her fist in the air. "I knew you'd like that one," she said, smiling sweetly at him in a drunken attempt to be seductive.

"Anyway," Zoruru said quickly, not wanting to see anything more. "That's seven points. Pururu wins."

"Yes!" Pururu cheered. Then she yawned and stretched dramatically. "But now I'm really tired..."

Garuru nodded and attempted to stand, plopping back down when the room started dancing. "Me too."

Zoruru and Tororo disappeared before anyone could suggest playing another round. Taruru gave an unsteady salute to his two remaining platoon mates. "You guys are the best platoon ever!" he declared before running unsteadily out the door. "Love you all!"

Garuru laughed before attempting to stand again. Then he became aware of a sudden weight on his lap. He looked down to see that Pururu had used his leg as a pillow and fallen asleep. He chuckled and leaned back against the couch before allowing himself to drift off.

The next morning, two yelps of extreme embarrassment and several moans of pain preceded a declaration that they would never play that game again.


End file.
